As I understand from conversations with Mom and Grandma, Gary dropped me, my brothers and my mother in Las Vegas where Grandma and Grandpa met us and took us to their home in Salt Lake City.
I imagined it was like Gary sent us back to the manufacturer because of faulty wiring or we turned out to be the wrong size.
I couldn't understand it at that time, and I still can't.
I mean, it's not like I am the cutest person in the world, but what would bring a man to deposit his family and drive away?
Was Kendra cuter? Was her mother cuter than my mother or a better lover? Did my brothers ruin everything because they were unruley?
I now know that he must have been a very sick individual. His brain must have oozed out of his ear and re-entered in through the "barn door." There was never a letter, never a phone call, never an apology, never anything to make me believe he still cared for me. (There was some stalking, but that happened years later.)
I became very closed.
Mom said I stopped walking. For a young child to stop walking usually takes a major cataclysmic event or injury. I know I must have felt both. I know my brothers must have felt similar feelings.
But, we never talked of it as children.
The hurt never healed properly for me. You could say I was "infected" with self-doubt, fear of abandonment, grief and weakness. I "self-medicated" with hate, anger, anxiety, depression...Diet Coke! :)
It's time to scoop out the puss, cleanse the wound, get some antibiotics and heal all over again.
The only way to do this is through the grace and mercy of God ... in other words...the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
>>Enter angels, stage left.<<
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